A few weeks ago, when this year’s World Cup was still in its early days, (I’ll be honest here, I had to Google that. I had absolutely no idea when the World Cup started, it just mysteriously, suddenly WAS EVERYWHERE) mumsnetter ScarletBegonias pontificated on how a football match between transactivists & a gender critical team might go.
The thread took off, with various gender-critical mumsnetters putting in a line or two, until it reached hundreds of comments..
You can read the thread here, but it gets a little convoluted. When I retweeted it, DJLippy asked if I’d want to host an version that she had edited, here on my blog.
So here it is, a footy-themed piece by the women of mumsnet, nothing to do with me at all, welcome to:
THE 2018 GenDEr GaMeS
Welcome to the opening match of the 2018 Gender Games. It’s the first match of the tournament and team Trans Rights Activists (TRA) are facing up against the plucky underdogs Team Mumsnet.
It was always going to be a highly contested game.
Trouble started early in the pre-match warm ups when Team TRA demanded no one should have to wear the number 2 as that suggests a binary. Everyone on Team Mumsnet is – quite confusingly- wearing the number 2.
There was controversy about the eligibility of the American players in the TRA team. Officials decided the use of the potentially offensive term ‘soccer’ was permitted, but not before officials confiscated all baseball bats.
TRAs win the toss and we’re off!
Lees, passes to Peto – Peto to Brown, Sarah Brown, a last minute substitution there by manager Maria Miller.
Brown – Munroe.
And that was a dangerous run by Munroe, neatly blocked at the last minute by AngryAttackKittens – such a whole-hearted, physical player!
There seems to be a bit of a fracas on the pitch as team TRA are adamant that team Mumsnet, with their ladybrains, are unable to fully understand the offside rule. Much ladysplaining going on by team TRA. I must say it’s strangely indistinguishable from mansplaining.
Team Mermaid captain has intervened and is trying to make it less confusing for Team Mumsnet by explaining it is like a beauty pageant only with wickets and spherical objects.
No one seems any the wiser.
Mumsnet Captain Sarah Ditum is holding back an irate Posie Parker there. She doesn’t look happy does she?
But what’s this? Madigan is throwing a temper tantrum on the pitch!Apparently it’s transphobic to play with balls and they want Corbyn to step in and take them away as they’re distressing for the TRA team.
Commentator Owen Jones suggests a parliamentary inquest into the transphobic nature of playing with balls in general and asking that the items formally known as “balls” must be referred to as SPOFS (spherical playing objects for sport).
This is agreed. The crowd applauds.
What now!? Team Mumsnet’s Star goalkeeper Yardley is being forced to leave the pitch after refusing to use the term SPOFS and colourfully telling Bergdorf to F off. Mumsnet fans in the stadium have erupted in solidarity as Yardley walks off the pitch with two middle fingers raised, protesting loudly.
“WE’RE BOTH MEN!!!!” becomes the viral meme of the game.
Unbelievable folks, unbelievable.
Yardley will join team mates Venice Allan and Lisa Muggeridge on the bench, who have both received three match bans.
Madigan off at the side there. We’re getting word their shirt has been ripped and the referee has ordered them to get a new one. They’re now off begging from the other players in the dugouts. A crowdfunder has been started.
Team TRA want to put in Muscato up front for Team Mumsnet, despite the protestations of Team Mumsnet.
The referee is being forced to consult the new inclusion rulebook…
Magdalen Berns is on a run for the goal now- she looks unstoppable but what’s this? Foul by Muscato! And the crowd don’t like that.
Shocking, absolutely shocking!
What’s this? We’re just hearing that the medical team Dr Adrian and Dr Christian are refusing health care to Team Mumsnet on the grounds that these women are literal monsters.
Never mind, Berns is up and it looks like she’s getting ready to take the penalty…
Fae seems to be tying something on their head. I can’t quite make it out – it looks – no it can’t be. – yes it is – it is a helmet that looks like an egg. Fae is making quite a show of putting it on –
it says on the side …. “See I’ve got a lady skull”
Back of the net! She certainly knows where the goal is doesn’t she?
Oh dear. There’s disagreement among the commentators in what is proving to be a tetchy match-up. Graham Lineham’s stating that Mumsnet lead by 1-0 with Owen Jones responding that Lineham has just denied the existence of Team TRA and that Lineham is on the wrong side of history.
It’s 1-0 to the Mumsnet Feminists, but the TRAs are self-identifying as having scored 6 goals.
It’s half time here in the dug out here and my, my what a match. Less than 50% of Team TRA are playing for their starting team, nobody knows which changing room to use and one lone player has self identified as the referee and is demanding a full enquiry.
A protest has been logged: Team TRA have identified as Team Mumsnet and are demanding their right to access the Mumsnet changing room and bath.
It looks like they’ve blocked access to the tunnel:. If Team TMA (or Trans-Mumsnet Activists as they must henceforth be known) can’t have it, then no-one will!
More half time shenanigans. Someone has hacked the Wikipedia entry on Team Mumsnet and retrospectively transed them on the basis that some of them had short hair and they all clearly liked football. They are now suspected of being the people who really started the Stonewall riots.
It was always going to end in chaos when they scheduled the match for a Friday.
We’re back but there’s a delay in kicking off. Team TMA has refused to take to the pitch until after they’ve each done their Soccerette catwalk to Mr Big Stuff.
And we’re off. But what’s this? The TMA goalkeeper Fae has lost their mooncup and is demanding a break in play while they find both it and their cranberry juice. The referee has agreed, giving the ground staff chance to pick up all the errant chicken fillets.
Bergdorf is rolling around the pitch in agony complaining of period pains and the start is suspended. TMA have rushed to the other end of the pitch and they’re waving their tampons and pads. A discussion about the virtues of a mooncup vs sanitary products has ensued. This is new to the TMA team as yet another new novelty in the lady experience.
Yet more delays as cries of, ‘Die TERF scum’ can be heard from the stands causing confusion, prompting an official pitch inspection.
No dye or scum is found on the turf and play resumes.
Parker – Bewilderness – back to Parker.
We’re just hearing match commentator Graham Linehan has been attacked by fellow commentator Owen Jones for daring to say that team Mumsnet have scored some points and seem to be playing a fair game!
Jones is in time-out in his own media room, which has been soundproofed and furnished with soft toys so as not to offend his delicate sensibilities.
Bewilderness – Parker – Berns on a run for it now – passes to Ditum.
And it’s a red card for Fae!!!
The ref has sent Fae off for skewering the SPOFS with a knitting needle whilst saving a cracking shot to goal from Ditum.
Schoolboy defending there!
A penalty has been awarded and Sweary steps up to take the shot as team Team TMA hastily replace Fae with substitute goalie Faye.
Faye’s taking a while to get on the pitch – we are hearing from the dugout that there’s been an issue with Faye’s pre-match ritual whereby inspirational songs from Erasure seem to have been appropriated by Team Mumsnet.
Mumsnet supporters have got wind of the development and are now singing ‘Respect’ loudly from the stands.
Faye steps into goal attaching a talisman of some sort to the post. Ah we are informed it’s an inspirational picture – what’s that? Yes we can confirm – it’s a mirror.
Sweary lines up the shot and “GOAL!!!” Right in the top corner!
And what’s this? Faye’s booked as he’s caught trying to erase the Mumsnet score from the scoreboard!
Team Mumset don’t look happy.
You couldn’t write a script like this! Unbelievable.
Interesting to note Madigan has only had three touches of the spherical playing object for sport in the entire game because they’re too busy trying to get all the Mumsnet players sent off.
What now!? Match suspended! Little Owen Jones has taken the SPOFS and gone home, but not before shouting ‘My Gender Neutral Parent is bigger than your Gender Neutral Parent.’
Absolute scenes here, folks, absolute scenes!
Team Mumsnet have got a SPOFS from one of their cars and the game’s on again.
But what’s this? After conferring with team TMA, the ref has announced that mentioning or kicking the ball is a literal foul and, depending on the context, could lead to a yellow or red card- or not.
Team TMA are swishing their hair and grabbing their crotches in triumph while Mumsnet seek clarification to know how to proceed with the game.
After consulting with TMA the referee can confirm they’ve changed the laws of physics and the game resumes.
But wait! Madigan has run off the field in tears. Action replay here we can see the SPOFS came towards them – they cowered and tried to swat it away but it looks like they broke a nail. Another crowdfunder has been started.
Oger has been sent on as a replacement and is threatening legal action against said SPOFS for violently attacking Madigan and all on the TMA team. They claim that’s the law in Canada and by extension in Europe.
In newer developments, the referee has ruled that hands CAN be used in the game, but only if they identify as feet.
Team TMA is now wearing the same jerseys as team Mumsnet, and accuse team Mumsnet of literal murder because they’re not passing the SPOFS to them.
Well, despite some dirty tactics from team TMA, it seems team Mumsnet are holding firm.
Their defence has been particularly solid. Critics of their play have suggested they needed to bolster their attacking play and to be fair they seem to have responded. New recruits from the Friday Academy have definitely added a new dimension to the team. I think Mumsnet definitely have the squad to take not just the match but the tournament.
The match is resumed.
Rowland receives and that’s a beautiful bit of footwork there, past Lees, past Chandler – interception by Lees. Free kick!
Team Mumsnet’s star striker Berns is going to take it.
Team TMA are having trouble protecting their crotches and looking lady-like at the same time.
Play is stopped to find a solution that isn’t ‘outing’.
A scuffle breaks out on the pitch as Bergdorf snatches the ball from Berns and insists on taking over their job as free kick taker.
Recently Bergdorf – before even getting a chance to get stuck into their new role as Mumsnet manager – resigned following a mass protest from fans about the suitability of a manager who both badmouthed the team and knew literally nothing about football. Mumsnet defender Amy Desir has since been suspended pending an internal investigation.
What’s this? There’s a chant coming from the Mumsnet crowd – what are they saying? “Penis, Penis, Penis – he’s got a penis!”
And now it seems Bergdorf is angrily demanding that the Mumsnet fans are ejected from that stadium! The officials have been consulted. The request has been denied.
The referee in a surprising twist has given the SPOFS back to Berns .
Interception by Izzard.
Izzard to Zinnia. And what’s this? Zinnia has picked up the SPOFS and they’re putting it -oh my days! – that’s not in the rule book is it? Jones has certainly put the ball away. I must say it brings a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘squeaky bum time’. Jones is down and it looks like we’re going to need another SPOFS.
India Willoughby comes on as a sub and is greeted by boos from the Mumsnet fans. Willoughby’s sulking and stamping around the pitch shouting “I am a woman!” and flashing their boobs to prove it.
The boos continue.
Unbelievable folks, unbelievable.
And what’s this? Willoughby is holding out an arm saying they were hit. I think we can all agree that supporter was at least three metres away. Did we get it on film?
Team Mumsnet battle against their female socialisation and try not to help.
The Mumsnet mods are the unhappy lineswomen being yelled at by everyone.
The crowd is getting wild.
With a few minutes to go, Mumsnet Manager, Justine Roberts, dressed as a clown fish, has changed all the rules.
There is chaos on the pitch. The crowd’s going wild!
They think it’s all over.
It is now.
POST MATCH ANALYSIS
This has definitely been the group to watch in the playoffs.
Of the four teams in Group A in the Gender Games trying to make it to the last sixteen, Mumsnet have been seen as the underdogs by the other three in their group; TMA, MRA and Mermaid.
It’s still unclear if the heavily anticipated Mumsnet/Mermaid match will go ahead as officials are still debating certain demands for the match to be played in Thailand, whilst Team Mumsnet have launched a counter claim that many Mermaid team members are underage and therefore not eligible to play.
We contacted them for comment and received the following statement.
“There is no debate to be had. I’ve named my squad and the location. Frankly the game shouldn’t be played at all. I’ve already decided it will be a 5-0 result and Mumsnet are just bloody meanies who don’t like football”.
And now we are getting perplexing reports that the offside rule has been redefined by the Scottish Government to include any onside play identifying as offside. Pundits are claiming the offside rule has been stolen behind their backs.
There’s also been an appeal against the VR ref decisions, but it has been confirmed that potential, imagined and fabricated fouls will be treated as actual fouls, depending on both the context and which team the individual referee supports and, in some cases, their mood on the day.
Just a reminder to tune in tomorrow for coverage of the Group C matches where we will be watching team GCJ (gender critical journos) vs team STHP (Spineless Try Hard Politicians).
Both teams are looking to field some strong players with team GCJ putting forwards Turner, Freeman and Kirkup on from start of play. It’s a solid and experienced team of whom much is anticipated.
STHP have already announced star defenders Corbyn and Butler will be playing despite scoring a number of home goals in the pre-tournament friendlies with the forwards largely being pulled from the LibDem LGBTQXYZRDG academy (known for its particularly combative style of play).
The other match in this group is expected to be less well contested with team YTL (YouTube Lesbians) captained by Peach Yoghurt to dominate from the kick off over Riley Denis’s YTGDM (YouTube Genitals Don’t matter) team.
This could prove to be our least triggering game so far.
“The Mumsnet Football Match” is a Guest Post. It was a collaborative effort by the gender-critical women of mumsnet and was edited by DJLippy.